It just does not feel right around here. Something is off – it’s peaceful mind you, and very easy going, but there is an element of “offness” that just does not work. You see, Elliott is not here, and as much as we are all enjoying the mellowness of his absence (and we are), we have guilt about those feelings as well. We needed this break, we are appreciating this break, and yet, we miss the E man like crazy.

Elliott is at winter camp – and likely (almost positively) having an amazing experience. He’s been before – and we’ve gotten to know a number of the camp counselors and the leadership team at Friendship Ventures almost like extended family members. They are as amazing as people can get, and Elliott gets the opportunity to hang out with him, learn lots of cool life lessons, hang out with other kids, and most of all, have fun. It’s kind of awesome. And, frankly, we all needed this break.

We had plans to do lots of things these past two days – and have not accomplished any of them. Things like the tornado movie at the Science Museum, or breakfast at IHOP during a busy time (things that would be possible, yet likely challenging, for Elliott). Yet, when we dropped off the E man off, somehow we all just craved a little bit of quiet time, and after relishing the ease and peacefulness of just being quiet for a short time we’ve just felt a little off. Both Henry & Ada have been enjoying their time, and yet sharing with us how much they miss their brother. Ada has been asking all day when we get to pick E up, and both kids are making plans for our New Year’s Eve as we’re having cousins over and they wanted to make sure we had all of E’s favorite fondue ingredients on hand. In short, we’ve enjoyed our time, but miss the regular state of semi-chaos that is our home life.

While I expected to get so much organizing and paperwork done – truth is I’ve become obsessed with watching “Homeland” – having seen 7 episodes in two days. In this way, the E man and I can be very alike, getting really “stuck” on something in a hurry – and while our passions may differ – we can both get really intense about things in our own way. That said, I don’t have the luxury of watching 7 episodes of anything most of the time, and it has been quite decadent to be sure.
So, tonight, in the middle of watching “Homeland”, I was grateful to learn via Facebook that E was participating in the camp talent show and doing a dance with his cabin mates. I can see him now – kind of reluctant, but also kind of loving it. Dancing a bit awkwardly, but also relishing the moment. I’m smiling just thinking about him, missing him, but recognizing how these few days have been healthy for all of us.

Tomorrow, we reconnect with our boy and celebrate the eve of a new year. We have much to celebrate, much to hope for and much to continue working on – but together, we can accomplish great things, knowing that we will stumble a bit along the way.

Tomorrow it’s pick up the E man, go moonlight bowling, hike the luminary trail at Fort Snelling & fondue with our cousins. But tonight, it’s one more episode of “Homeland” . . .

One thought on “Obsessions & Guilt

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